I am thinking that I may stop going to the Brain Tumor Widow online group. That's because I am feeling abnormal. People continue to go there months, even years, after their spouse dies, and they say that one never "gets over" the loss of their spouse. I am not planning or hoping to forget him. That would be silly and isn't what I would ever want.
But I do believe that a person can move on and resume enjoyment of life. Here is a posting that I just made to the support group:
"I thought that I was doing badly because now and then I still cry at odd times... like at Home Depot. That was before I read your postings from the past few days.
"Now I wonder if I'm *too* happy. I wonder if I'm coping ok, because I am not feeling horrible. I sort of enjoy my little life, even though my 25th anniversary would have been on the 31st of December. I put up a little Christmas tree, and I have a few packages underneath.
"I enjoy eating things that Michael didn't like. I like watching HGTV, which he never liked having on. I'm enjoying meeting new friends, feeling myself laugh at things that I may not have laughed at before.
"Surely I miss him. I go for my walk and somehow think that he will be at home waiting for me. I lie in bed and imagine him next to me, and I remember what that felt like. I find a paper clip and I imagine that Michael left it there for me. And I smile.
"My question is this: Why am I doing so well, after less than 3 months of life without my Michael? Will my world come crashing down at some point? Surely life has not been all easy for me; I have had my share of problems. But I'm coping and dealing with things.
"Is Wellbutrin that good?"
*****
Today began early for me, as so many Tuesdays do here in Tucson. That's because Tuesday is hiking day! Today's hike was the 20th annual Donut Hike. We hiked 7/10 of a mile to the Mica View Picnic Area where they had donuts and coffee ready for us! I enjoyed an apple fritter before we split into Hardy and No-Hurry hikers, and took off on our respective hikes.
The Hardy Hikers - my group - went to a beautiful spot in Saguaro East where there was a rushing stream with numerous waterfalls and many more rippling rills. To get to this trail, we had to sort of baja across the cactus forest, but Duane guided us reliably to exactly where we needed to be.
The trail, when we returned to it, continued on to the Pink Hill Trail, taking us to ... yes! The Pink Hill! It is indeed pink, and quite a lovely walk in itself.
I think that we ended up hiking 7 miles, though my feet thought "8."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
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Janee, I don't think you are abnormal. I have lost a spouse but I think the fact that you are living life is a tribute to Michael. You enjoyed life with Michael and now you are learning to continue that enjoyment even though he is no longer with you. You are a great inspiration to all of us who read your blog.
ReplyDeleteBettyB.
Correction to previous post (should proofread) I have not lost a spouse.
ReplyDeleteThank you, BettyB :)
ReplyDeleteSis:
ReplyDeleteI agree with BettyB, you are not abnormal. You know normal is what is normal for you! I am a believer that there really isn't much that is really abnormal.
I am proud of you and I know M would be too. He would not expect you to spend your life drowning in sorrow - why should you, you have no regrets. 25 years with someone is a good long time and yes, it would have been great to have many more with each other, but lots of people don't ever have that much time together (especially with most of if being happy times).
Love and kisses...sis.
Hi Sister Mine,
ReplyDeleteI just read your post, and I think you are doing just great. Mike would have wanted you to be happy, and you had nearly 25 years of good memories.
I think you are right in no longer going to the widdows website. No one needs to be made to feel that they are thinking or doing "wrong". Everyone is different, and what is "wrong" for someone else is not necessarily "wrong" for you or me.
Jim and I were married 29 years, and he has been gone for 7 years now. I still miss him, but I don't dwell on that. I enjoy the days as they come, and enjoy my friends and family, and I travel when I can with or without my friends and family. I remember the good times and the good memories, and I seem to have forgotten much of the rest. Yes, there are things I still can't do alone, but I find a friend to go with me or I just bite the bullet and do it anyway.
Trust me, life is too short to live it unhappy. Find your happiness where you can, and remember that that is what Mike would have wanted.
Love you,
Me
Janee,
ReplyDeleteIn the few times I met Michel, it seemed to me that he was not a "hoverer". He was comfortable with himself, and he seemed comfortable with you being yourself. He did not seem to begrudge you your friends through myjanee.com, and never appeared a wit jealous. He just enjoyed being around you and the experience of you being you.
You are a positive spirit, and that was probably part of why Michael loved you. I bet he would want you to keep on being real. And, for you, that means you have a lot of positive vibes in your life. And, thank you very much, that is just fine. I hope you continue to find ways to enjoy life because, frankly, you make it better for many of us around you.
Sunlaker
HI Janee,
ReplyDeleteI hope you will go back and read my reply yo your 'abnormal' post.
I believe you misinterpreted my comment that this is not something we will 'get over'. By that, I mean that we will never forget, and that once a person realizes that it is a part of their being, that they can be FREE to go on with their life, FREE of the burden of being sad.
I think that some of the spouses are definately having a harder time than others, and as administrator of the group I feel I need to continue to post....not because I NEED to, but because it is something I started years ago and I feel I can offer some perspective, as can you..
You are especially welcome with your posts because you have a well balanced and cheerful attitude towards life and death.
You are most definately NOT abnormal! You are Janee!
Barb P
Janee,
ReplyDeleteI have a friend, widowed seven years back, who still refuses to rejoin society. She seems to be comforted by her sadness. Everyone's different.
You, my friend, are incredibly normal. Michael was proud of you, and I feel like wherever he is today, Michael is extremely proud of how well you are doing.
Love, Lynell
Thank you all for your comments! Especially I want to thank you, Barb, because ... yes, you're right that the group DOES need me as it surely needs you. I posted this actually before I had gotten your response. I felt like posting it, too, but thought that the copyright police would get after me or something. LOL
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you guys think that it's ok to be normal in the Janee way. ;)
Becky, thank you, too. The people in the widows group (the group Barb started) are great, always have been, and have been very supportive of me. I was not feeling weird because of anything that they had told me, but because they were just posting their own feelings about their losses and experiences, and I seem to be handling things very .. differently.
Lynell, I cannot imagine what sort of life your friend has, swimming in a sea of grief for 7 years. I think that in 7 years I'd like to be emotionally more where my sis Becky is --traveling around and doing stuff.
Sunlaker, you're a peach for saying that. I really appreciate your love and attention. You're right that Michael wasn't jealous at all, was not a hovering kinda guy, and he wanted me to have fun and to feel good, whatever that took. So there we are. :)
Again... thank you all for your comments!
Hi Janee, I lost my husband to lingering head and neck cancer after 10 years of being together. After the funeral my sister and I watched Anne of Green Gables and cried and cried. After that my tears were dry. I always said that I did most of the crying while John was alive. He was a wonderful man and a real gentleman and certainly died too young at 35. After a year, I dated again, getting myself what I now call the "bad boyfriend" for a couple of years and then got an introduction to the man who I'm married to now. (17 years!!)
ReplyDeleteJohn's parents got to meet Jim before I married and have been thrilled to be included in my life since John had been their only child.
I did join a bereavement group and also was amazed at the pessimism and gloom. I concluded that my optimism and happiness was a result of the happiness John had given me and found happy people to be with. Oddly some of those had gone through tragedy also and had come out positive about life.
Do what feels right.
Janee,
ReplyDeleteDitto to all the above. You are not abnormal. You are JANEE! Please continue to do your grieving and to find your joy YOUR way. You and Michael did so many things together that brought you joy and made you a unique couple. I never met another couple who spent three days at the Mall of America, going into every store. (I can't recall if you did this clock-wise or counter clock-wise.) How many other couples would drive to a formal event and change from their jeans in their car? And change back to their jeans, in their car, before going home? And then there are the paper clips. Finding joy in the little things is a gift many people do not have. You have it, and I know Michael would be happy to know you haven't lost it. That in no way dimishes what the two of you had together. Just keep on being Janee.
Love, Kathryn