I don't know who that unsigned "anonymous" posting was, but it gives me a good opportunity to say this: No one can ever know what goes on behind another person's doors -- even our very best friends, but certainly not some stranger who won't post a name. While I don't feel a need to defend myself, since you, anonymous, are reading my blog, you must care about me enough to want to know more about me.
People who know me understand me, know a bit of what I've gone through, know how passionately I love and live, and how carefully I've considered my recent life changes. Do I make mistakes? Do things sometimes happen in a difficult sequence? Of course. If I could have met Jack when I was fully healed, and he was too, perhaps *other people* would be more relaxed about accepting us as a couple.
This anonymous person seems to think that I've forgotten Michael. For anyone who has ever said two words to me, you know how false that is! Michael is in every breath I take, every song I hum, and every paper clip I find.
Michael was 14 years my senior, so we knew that it was likely that he would precede me in death. We had talked about my future many times over the years, and he urged me to find love again. That I seem to have found love with Jack would please Michael immensely, because he knew and loved Jack.
And you think that I've "forgotten" Maddy? Uh... I just took her to her new home last night. I guess it would be a pretty cold person who could forget her that soon, wouldn't it?
I talked to D early today, and this morning Maddy had been running after a stuffed toy, catching a ball, and she was resting behind D's chair as she worked. I think that my decision was a good one for Maddy and D, and ultimately, it will be the right thing for me. For now, Eddie is pissed off at me, I'm feeling lonely, and I'm quite tearful.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
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Hi Sister Mine,
ReplyDeleteI haven't read your blog lately, as I've been getting ready for David, Kelly and Co. to visit.
I had to go back and read the postings of comments to see what that anon. person wrote.
I've told you, everyone grieves in his or her own way. I'm sure that people coming into my house would shake their heads as it is a shrine to Jim. Is that wrong? For some people, maybe.
I'm sorry that you had to give up Maddy, but I've been to DL's house, and I know that Maddy is having a wonderful time with her and with her other animals. It was, I think, a good choice. You travel so much, and I know that she is having a much better time than being cooped up in a motor home all the time except for her walks and "outings".
I remember what you told me about the paper clips, and I've found several in my travels around here. I always say "thanks Mike", and yesterday when I was feeling particularly low about my situation, I got out of the car, and there was a paper clip on the ground. I had almost taken another parking spot. I just had to smile.
No one ever forgets those they love or have loved.
YOU GO GIRL!!!
Love,
Me
Janee:
ReplyDeleteThat idiot is truly an idiot. I wonder if you have even met this numbskull.
If Jack is the "one" I hope he can understand that you are going to need to also in some ways keep Michael. Because if anyone knows you they know that you will and will have to. For one thing there is a lot of Michael in you in who you are today.
I will leave you with some great wisdom from my grandpa. A man who definitely shaped my life and is continuing to shape it today even though he passed many decades ago. "Ray there are somethings in this life that are right; there are somethings in this world that look right; Most of the time you can do both at the same time and when you can do that; But if you have to chose you do what is right"
Regardless of how right or wrong it may seem to mr (or maybe ms) anonymous, you did the right thing, and so be proud of that fact.
Hey sis.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone's comments toward the one crazy comment about you forgetting M and about Maddy.
My Lord, people need to get a grip. Does this person think there is such a thing as a perfect world? Well, if they do, then they are wrong. We all have issues to deal with, but this person must not have any to be that uncaring.
Sister Mine has one thing right for sure, everyone grieves in different ways. I know how much you loved Michael and how much he loved you. That very last thing he would have wanted was for you to be alone and "grieving" the rest of your life. You are right, he wanted you to find someone and take your past experiences with him that made you who you are today, and move on - with oh so fond memories of the past...not grief striken days in the future.
As for Maddy, she is a great dog because you made her that way. She deserves to be out of the little motorhome more, so you have given up your companionship for HER benefit. I know how much you love her and enjoyed your walks. You will miss her and she will miss you. The good outweighs the bad here - she is in a happy new place, and you don't have to feel guilty over leaving her as often.
Sorry for being longwinded, but it just makes me angry that someone is being so cold. As your sister, that is MY job! LOL.
I love you!! I love how you have been able to move forward!! And, I love Jack and what he has been able to provide you with (love, smiles, happiness) for as long as that lasts!!!
Everyday wasted on grief and sorrow is a day wasted. It is ok to waste a few on grief, self pity, and other needed emotions, but no need to drown in them. So, for Mr or Ms Anonymous, I hope you have a great day because that is what we should all try to do.
Love, Sis.
me, again...
ReplyDeleteBTW - I found a paperclip (a pretty blue one) in my flower bed last night. I think it was a blue one so that I would see it and so it would look nice in my garden. I thought of Michael then and you.
Hi, Janee,
ReplyDeletePlease pay NO attention to anon posters on your blog. I do my h.s. website, and I have extensive experience with anons. Either sign your name to it, or your comment will be deleted. That's my motto, anyway.
Lynell (not really anonymous)
Dear Janee;
ReplyDeleteYou do NOT need to... nor should you ever again...justify yourself to anyone...especially to some spineless person who refuses to leave his/her name. Just know that your family, friends and (former) Photoshop students (like me) know you and are happy for you and were with you through your grieving. I still keep up with your blogs and enjoy them immensely.
Take care, Janee.
Maxine (psnovice)
Janee,
ReplyDeleteI started reading your blog when you were on the caregiver board. I find your writing, and your view on life to be refreshing. I am amazed how you take an ordinary day and make it sound so interesting. I love your can do attitude, and how you get out and get involved with people and life, even though your life has been turned upside down. I know, I lost my husband to A GBM in 2005.
As for Maddy, I am sure it was like cutting out a piece of your heart, but you had to make a decision that was best for your best friend, and best for you. It sounds like Maddy will be fine, and you will too. Concerning Jack, grab happiness when it presents itself.
Because strangers like me read your blog, it does not give us the right to pass judgment on you. Shame on whoever would be so heartless or bitter, to write such a mean comment.
Stay strong—Stay happy—dance in the rain
Dona
Hi Janee,
ReplyDeleteKeep your head up. You have much to be proud of. (:
Bonnie
Janee,
ReplyDeleteCouldn't believe that dreadful comment by the anonymous idiot. They couldn't sign their name because they know they are out of line. Everyone deals with loss in different ways. It is so much better when, like you, they get on with their lives and find happiness instead of spending the rest of their lives in some dark place. I totally understand about Maddie. She is a wonderful dog and when you are not keeping your place it would be wrong to coop her up for the near future. She is in a place where you will see her often. Why does that bother anyone? I sure don't get it.
I hope you are feeling more cheerful knowing how much we all support you and care about you.
The world has so many more good people than bad.
Dorothy
Hey Janee,
ReplyDeleteYou go girl.... You are going through an exciting time in your life, filled with new discoveries. I suspect that all of your major choices are made with deliberation and caring. You can't do more than that.
I am happy that you and Jack fit so well together, and that you have found a friend and companion in him. Maddy will enjoy her new home, and she will remember you when you visit from time to time. And Eddie will get over it; he will relish being the king of the "castle".
You have a wonderful family and group of friends. That's pretty obvious from the responses to your blog. And it is very clear to me that you will always have a special place in your heart for Michael.
We all love you Janee. Keep on rolling along.
John
I agree with what everyone else said! I love you too!! Robert
ReplyDeleteI, too, met you on the spouses website; I lost my sweetie almost a year before you lost your Michael. I have to say, even in a huge group of people--even friends--the loneliness is palpatating. I am happy for you--and I too gave up a pup--we had gotten ours about 2 1/2 months before Ted died--he so wanted her because he thought she would take his place in my life. (There is no way she could have done that) so then I was caregiver to two--and after a week or two, he couldn't handle her puppyness. oh the tears I shed over all of this.
ReplyDeleteI gave her to a wonderful family (4 months after Ted died) with 2 girls who had lost their 1 yr old yorkie; she is so happy there and I have visited her--she doesn't remember me, but that is fine. I was so tired for months after taking care of Ted (which was an honor to do so as I know it was for you with Michael) that I didn't have the energy, emotional or otherwise, to take care of a puppy--I couldn't worry about what others thought--I am on this journey for the first time and I am not exactly sure where it is taking me.
so you just keep on keeping on--that is what I am doing; one day at a time.
karen
Anonymous said: "Poor Maddy and Michael.....you seem to be able to just "forget" those, who you "say" you cared about. 8/20/2008 05:44:00AM"
ReplyDeleteMerriam-Webster says:
anon·y·mous
Pronunciation: \ə-ˈnä-nə-məs\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin anonymus, from Greek anōnymos, from a- + onyma name — more at name
Date: 1631
1 : not named or identified
2 : of unknown authorship or origin
3 : lacking individuality, distinction, or recognizability — anon·y·mous·ly adverb
D says:
anon·y·mous
Pronunciation: \ə-ˈnä-nə-məs\
Function: IRL PUSSIE
Etymology: CLOSETED INSECURE ATTENTION WHORES
1 : uncertain of self, threatened by the security of others
2: judgmental, lacking knowledge
I knew Michael; I know Janee. One day as Michael, Janee and I sat preparing for his death, I made to each a promise: If Michael preceded Janee in death, I would be her "Michael" if or when she so needed, and; If Janee preceded Michael in death, I would be Michael's Janee if or when he so needed. We all laughed, but each knew I meant it. The talks that day were tough, we all cried (and laughed). Michael made it clear that he did not want Janee nor her spirit to die with him. Michael said he wanted Janee to find with another, the love they shared with one another. Michael also made it clear that he did not want Janee to provide care for him when he became incapable of self-care.
Janee dishonoured Michael. When Michael became incapable of self care, she refused to have anyone else care for him. Janee stayed with her guy "through sickness and through health" and provided round the clock care 24/7. Janee altered and devoted her life to Michael past his last breath. The Memorial Service she planned and held for Michael was incredible.
I have the pleasure of sharing Janee's company almost daily. D by day; Michael by late afternoon/evening. As we ready the house for sale, sometimes Janee directs me, sometimes I direct her. The process is not easy - sorting, sifting, recycling, saving - it is often overwhelming. With each change (and paperclip, Michael is remembered. She cries, I cry, we laugh.
There is much to do. The questions abound, the answers come more slowly.
Maddie (aka Chicken) was Michael's fur. When he became too ill to walk [Michael and Janee walked everyday - Janee continues to walk daily - I think everyday for 7 years and counting] and care for Chicken, Janee took care of her as well. Chicken has a lot of tears stained into her coat; She has provided to Janee a source of comfort and distraction. Chicken loves Janee and Janee loves her.
Janee could have held onto Michael. People go through extreme and extra ordinary measures to maintain the life of another so they do not have to say goodbye and suffer loss. Janee respected Michael in life and in death and she stood unfailingly by his side through both.
Janee could have held onto Chicken. She could have kept her for her own comfort and companionship. Janee respected Chicken. Instead of spending most of her time in a motorcoach, Chicken now roams freely in a 3500 sq.ft. home when I am home and, in a spacious padded kennel when I am not. In between she gets to romp on 5 acres with other furs.
Few persons have the right to judge others and those who do typically wear black dresses. When they judge, they form an opinion only after the careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises; They make inquiry and exercise deliberation. You have no right to judge Janee and your judgmental comment is indicative only of the fear, anxiety and lack of stability in your own life. It is a shame that Janee's pursuit of happiness so threatens you. Those of us who know Janee (and I know I can also include Janee) hope happiness finds you.