Cactus Bloom

This is just a small sample of the wonderful blooms that we're starting to see in profusion around Tucson. Unlike previous years when it seemed that the brittlebush and desert marigolds bloomed non-stop, this year, they're just starting to show off their brilliant yellows. And the cactus flowers are so brightly colored that they almost hurt your eyes!

I find it a bit amusing that some anonymous person cares enough about my personal life to criticize my choices. In this case, the unsigned person questions whether I am unable to get attached to people or things. Yes, Dona, I was married to Michael, and very attached, for 25 years. I have some wonderful friends and a great family to whom I'm quite attached.

I'd be the first to say that I'm not very attached to things. When I cleaned out my Bloomington house to move to Michigan, I gave away many things that had been important to Michael, meaningful to me, or even financially valuable. I did this partly because I just wanted to move on, to not store things that I was not likely to use or enjoy, but also partly because I could see that these things might benefit others. (I spend winters in Arizona, so do I really need 3 heavy winter coats? No; I'll give 2 of them to Goodwill, even if one was a gift from Michael and another was my mother's. I'm still not going to wear them, and someone else may.) If this means that I don't form attachments, then.. I'm guilty.

I think that this person is actually concerned that I'm "moving on" from my relationship with Jack. Even if I were doing this, I think that it would be pardonable. He and I *did* get together fairly quickly after his split-up and after my husband's passing. We'd have to be pretty good at mate-choosing and creating a loving home, if we were to get it right on the first try, wouldn't we?

He needs some time to get to know himself, what he wants and what's important in his life. I, likewise, need to be alone to get to know what I'm all about. We should have done this before we got together, perhaps, but it's better late than never.

Well, the truth is that, while we are moving apart and, for that reason, changing our relationship in some fundamental ways, I don't do well with that "clean break" idea, and nor do I want that with Jack. I am hopeful that we'll be able to hike together when we're here. I'm hopeful that our friends will keep him and me as friends. He's a wonderful man and I love him for that man he is.

Maybe Anonymous is worried about my giving my cat to Jack. Is it too much that I gave away my dog and then, 2 years later, gave away my cat?

Of course I loved my dog Maddy fiercely. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning many mornings after Michael died. She approved of me, even when my eyes were swollen and red from the seemingly endless tears during those painful months. I'd raised her from a scampering out-of-control puppy into a civil and responsible dog. I was proud to walk with her right by my side.

But is that enough? I found that, as I began to date, and as Jack and I spent more time together, I was spending less and less time with Maddy. She spent more and more time at home, waiting for my return. How much nicer is it *for her* to be in a home with other dogs, with a big yard, a big house where she can be a happier dog. I wasn't thinking as much about myself as I was about Maddy. I don't think that speaks to my attachment issues.

Eddie's a great cat. I love him, too. He greets us with a mew every morning and, when we return, he's right there to greet us at the door, if he's awake. Eddie was clearly a man's cat. He adored Michael and clearly preferred him to me. When Michael was close to dying, Eddie got up on his hospital bed and just waited one day. Michael went into his final coma that evening. After Michael passed away, Eddie was nearly inconsolable. He mewed and carried on, looking all around for Michael. He ate very little for about 3 weeks.

And when Jack began coming around, Eddie found in him the buddy he'd been longing for. Now Eddie spends time on Jack's chest every night before they both go to sleep. It seems more natural for him to be with Jack than to be with me, since they have developed such a bond.

I don't feel a need to defend myself, actually, but explaining my motives and actions makes it more understandable to myself. Actually, I thank you, Anonymous, for helping me to clarify this to myself. :)

Today we enjoyed a wonderful sunrise Easter service, followed by a pancake breakfast at the church, and then the regular Easter service where I got to sing with the choir.

This afternoon, we each worked on our own taxes a bit more. I'm nearly done with mine. I just have to figure out what taxes I paid in registering my Tucson car. Then the Federal part of things will be done and I just need to do whatever button-pushing has to be done to do the state taxes. I don't know yet if I have to do Indiana or if I just do Michigan. I did own the Indiana house till February of 2009, after all.