A New Year

New Year's Day! It's the day when I am self-consciously diligent. I eat a good breakfast. I make a to-do list, the first item of which is "Make a To-Do List." Today's the day I'll put into my long-term files all my 2012 stuff and make new folders for the new year's stuff. I'll finish up my thank-you notes.

And I'll likely put away at least part of my Christmas decorations. Michael and I used to wait for his birthday, the fifth, to do that. Maybe I'll wait till the 5th... And I've opted to wait till 2 this afternoon to do my walk, because it was just too cold at sunrise. There is actual frost on the awning!

New Year's Eve was fun here at Far Horizons. The dance was a "speakeasy" theme, with people dressing up like gangsters and flappers. I looked somewhat cute in a new dress, but it was not a real flapper dress. The band was good, music lively, and, while we did not do the Chicken Dance or the Macarena, we did do Y.M.C.A..

I made a big decision toward the end of 2012. I've decided that I'm not having any more to do with Mary, Jack's stepmother. I've come to the conclusion that she is not a good person, and not someone I want to have in my life. Skip the green paragraphs if you don't want to hear the story:

Mary's relationship with her stepsons, for reasons mostly unknown to me, has been strained. The boys continue to send her flowers and cards, which she does not acknowledge. Jack and I, when we are here, have been very helpful to her, taking her to church, running several errands with her each week, taking her dog to be groomed, to the vet, and on walks when Mary's been in the hospital. We've accompanied Mary on just numerous errand trips, mostly with me driving my car. We handle her trash. I fix her jewelry. I've even helped her bathe on a couple of occasions.

And, when she asked me, I offered to type up her obituary.

Upon reading what she'd written, it was obvious that she needed some editing done. Her obit was scattered and uncohesive. She'd left out many important facts of her life and all her facts were out of order. So I rewrote it. One thing I added was a line at the end, listing her stepsons, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and "many loving friends" as survivors. (She came into their family when the boys were 25, 22, and 13, so they've been part of her life for a very long time.)

I printed two copies for her, and gave it to her in an envelope along with her original. Six weeks passed. On Christmas Day, we enjoyed Christmas Buffet with her and some of her friends. After that, in her apartment, she asked me if I still had her original obituary. I replied that I'd returned it to her in the white envelope. She said, "You changed it." I said, "I know." She said, "I don't like it." Now the part with which she took issue was my listing of her survivors. She said she didn't want anything about her stepsons or "grandchildren I hardly know."

Stunned, I muttered something about people who know her family members would want to know that this was the same Mary.... She replied, "To each his own."

This is a sharp woman. She is not troubled by dementia. She knows just exactly what she is doing, and that is to shut out, to her dying breath and beyond, the only people who remain who are doing things for her and with her. I mean... a line in an obituary? Come on.

So after all of the many tanks of gas I've burned for her, after all of the shoe leather I've worn out walking around in stores with her, after spending the better part of two Tucson desert summers here looking after her, when I could have been doing anything else, I'm done with her. And, while I'm sick about Mary and what she is doing to her own life and legacy, I feel good about my decision. I'm done trying to change Mary into a decent human being. I am going to change what I can -- my own behavior. And I'm going to give my time, love, and attention to people who are worthy of them.  

So it's a new chapter for me. I'll have more free time, and I'm going to spend some of that time blogging! I'll spend some of it doing digital art, photography, and Photoshop. So there. :)