The Story of My Life

I won't name it that, but I've been thinking ... forever... about writing this down. It seems to me that I have a lot to say. But there are some issues that I have -- questions. I read someplace that we shouldn't write our autobiography as if we are the hero of the story. We should not make ourselves out to be martyrs. And, I guess, when I think of what I came through, I feel like a hero.

It seems to me like people would want to know my real feelings and about what really happened, through my eyes, but how do I deal with the stuff about which I'm not proud? I guess everyone has these things, but how do we deal with them in an autobiographical setting? It seems that, to leave them out, would be perpetuating a lie.

That is what I did in my diary, way back when. I remember writing several pages about the sexual abuse I was undergoing at the time, and then later tearing out pages and crossing parts out in such a way that no one could ever see what I wrote. I would love to see what I wrote. I know that I believed then, and for many years thence, that I was responsible for what was going on.

(I've since made peace with myself about that, realized that, as a child, I was not at fault. Men who don't know better, or who know better and don't care, will pick up on a little girl's flirting. Little girls flirt. Responsible adults tell them to run along and play.)

But anyway... things about which I'm truly ashamed, like stuff I did as a young adult, things I've done which have hurt other people, things I've thought of doing to hurt other people... How do I deal with those in my autobiography? I think that this is the stumbling block that keeps me from telling my story, much of which for I'm rightfully proud, and which I think would be good reading.